Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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