Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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