Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
