This is not my ceiling
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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