i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
