I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
My cat gives me a boner
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
The feeling are messing with the penis
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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