It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
