I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
