So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
