This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
