Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
