my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm determined to sit on that face.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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