I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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