Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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