I just found puke in my bra..
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
