oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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