i may or may not be watching the land before time
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
