i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Randomize
