He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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