if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
