Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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