I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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