Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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