shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
