Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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