just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
