she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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