A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
