Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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