I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
