Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
