So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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