Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
