i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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