I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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