There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
