Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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