If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
