sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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