Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
