Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
there's paper in my vomit.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
