The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
