How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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