you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
