Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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