please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
