The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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