How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
