Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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