So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
